5/15/10


there's something wrong with me. my gut clenches up, my throat closes, i lose words and thoughts and touch. i feel tired, and tried.

i really need somebody to talk to, but most of the time, i listen. i feel as if i'm too selfish, too focused on my own problems. i try to open up to my closest friends, but i can't find the right words to say, and i stop in midconversation to say, "i'll talk to you later" and then not bring up the subject again. for days afterwards, i'll try to talk to them about other things, and inside, i feel as if they're judging me either for talking or not talking. i just can't win.

i wish i could talk to my parents, but they're just children. my father's whole life consists of his business, which is flailing right now. he is a fish out of water, always pissing people off, always forgetting about things that have happened, always forgetting my name. i know it might be such a little thing to get mad about, but for once, i'd like to hear him call me by the right name. the only other daughter he has is my sister, and she's 9. how can he confuse her with me and me with her? it's ridiculous.

and my mother, my mother.
she shows no compassion, no emotion towards her own family, and then expect us to comfort her, to understand what she's going through, to drop everything and wait on her, wait up for her, wait all night for her. and guess what-- i'm tired of waiting. i'm the one trying to talk, trying to explain, making sure she's comfortable, making sure she enjoys spending time with her family, making sure she's actually listening to me when i'm asking her a question. making sure she buys food.

i love my grandmother. she's strong and powerful. my grandfather is two men in one person. when i look at them, i wonder how they could have brought someone like my father into this world.

i wonder if i'm related to my parents at all.

sometimes i feel so in tune to my own feelings, and other times, i feel so lost. i don't know why i feel this way, i wish i didn't, i wish i could be happy all of the time. and people assume i am happy. i don't know why, but i'm the "happy one".

i try so hard to be happy and perfect.


"conspiracy dress" - style stalker; chic & the city
unknown
pearls of wisdom

there's so much more i want to say, but maybe not right now.

g'night.

21 comments:

  1. Oh... what to say about this that would sound even remotely appropriate? I'm sorry for you to feel that way, considering how great person you are (maybe it's too soon for me to say this but i'm really sure of it).
    I know the feeling of annoying your friends with your problems but, if they are really your friends, they should deal with it from time to time. So go ahead and tell them what's on you mind, and tell everything, not just the general state, it may come to them as bit of a shock but it will pass and then they will feel like they are being true friends, finally.
    I don't think we were ever meant to be happy all the time. It's normal to have oscillations of that kind. And it's normal to show them, make people adjust to them, in contrary to you always adjusting to others.

    I know you didn' ask for advice and I'm so sorry for giving it but I couldn't just leave it blank.

    These are the moments i'm truly happy to have made a blog and stumbled up on your blog. :)

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  2. hii this comment is pretty random/creepy as i've never commented before! but i just wanted to say i get that selfish feeling too.. it's like you don't want to burden your friends. but it's really hard to bottle it all up. and it's good to share because ppl that care will feel betrayed if they find out something has been bothering you but you didn't go to them for comfort.
    sucks that your parents are like that :(
    sometimes you gotta let yourself feel sad :) it's a human emotion

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  3. Awww..... I'm so sorry to hear about this but I guess there are always issues within self and family.
    Be strong and good luck!

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  4. i hope you feel better soon, and i'm sure loads of people reading this post will feel comforted that there are people feeling the same as them... i know i do.
    x x x

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  5. and also hopefully you will feel better when i tell you that you won an award on my blog!
    x

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  6. ahh what to say to this post... Opening up to friends is difficult because people never really understand what you are going through unless they live with you and are there 24/7.
    I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship with your father and mother. Just stay strong...
    Good luck with everything.

    xx Katie lu

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  7. Hehe oui c'est bien ça :)
    Depuis combien de temps apprends tu le français ?


    Bise.

    http://mathilde-tran.blogspot.com

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  8. Thanks for checking out my blog. sad for you. :( I really hope things get better for you and if you need to talk, just drop me a message on my profile.

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  9. I am so sorry you feel this way. Positivity goes a long way, i promise. Also, things get much better when you're older. I was completely miserable from age 14-17. Now I'm 20 and life is peachy.

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  10. "and people tell me all the time to not bottle it up, which gets me even more angry/depressed because i feel so pressured to show who i really am”

    how come you don't want to show your true self? you seem like a genuine and deep person, from reading your blog!

    friends help a lot.but yeah sometimes it's hard to find someone who really rings the bell in understanding. i don't believe in a god but i respect if you do

    "I eat so much. There are always extras because customers are so picky”

    lol it's good to know i'm not the only one! i guess it's inevitable that one becomes piggish when working in food retail -.-"

    "i don't think you have to be a pessimist if you're not an optimist. there has to be a balance between the two…i sound like such a hypocrite i know…”

    true, there can be a balance, but ultimately i know that being optimistic will make things easier in the long run no matter how much pessimism seems to lure me o_o. it's ok we all have to give hypocritical advice sometimes, reinforcing it for someone else also helps yourself cuz you start believing it :)

    " hopefully you'll remember the good times more than the bad."

    yeah, but the good times can make me sad too, because i know that i can't have those times again . i try to focus on the happy times that i will be able to have again with people who are in my life now.. sometimes it's easier said than done!

    THANK YOU for your comments :) i look forward to them!

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  11. hey !

    i do wish things are going well for you. i think what you're going through may just be the teenage stage. the strange hormonal things taht go on in our body, and we dont really admit it. i dont know, i mean i can really relate to the talking thing. i always feel like if i'm talking to someone, i feel like they could (or could not) be judging me. i think everyone feels that way. then at the same time, i never open myself up fully to anyone. i'm scared of being vulnerable, and having people turn on me. the thought of relying on people used to be unbearable to me, like one day, everyone will be against me with all the secrets i have told out there in public.

    but i've learned that not everyone is judgemental, most people are in the same position as you. and you're NEVER alone in your feelings.

    as for your parents, i cant help you. i wish i could. all i can say is, dont get in parents way when they're pissy and mad. its best not to play with their moods. (but you probably already know that!)

    sending love your way!
    rach.

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  12. aww, I hope you feel better, you should remember to stay positive about yourself:)

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  13. aww dear i hope you feel better about things soon <3

    Really cute blog

    C,x

    http://moncheri2311.blogspot.com/

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  14. I'm sure if your friends are true friends, they will not care about you having a rant and rave too them. I do that occasionally with my friends and they don't always say anything back but there always there for when I need it (because I sometimes wonder if I'm related to my parents too!)
    Hope you feel better soon :)

    Follow me back? mystique-glamour

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  15. :( sometimes the stress of life can really get to you, and I sympathise with you. However, don't ever worry about the burden of being the "happy one" - it says a lot of amazing things about you that people think of you that way, but of course it's impossible to be happy all the time. Just try to remember all the good things during the hard times, and always always always keep looking forward.

    Also! Cheer up!(how redundant was that! a counsellor, I am not :()

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  16. Well, by your words, i think your friends should be slapped by someone! I mean, if you were my friend, I would love to hear about your feelings and all the stuff that's going on with you. You're so sweet an funny and inetesting, I mean, what is wrong with them? :D (I was kidding about the slapping part.)

    Hm... if it's iritating to have a friend who is happy one day and depressed the next, then my friends are really iritated! But I think they can bear with me, at least for now. :D

    I agree it's strange to have such conversation with complete strangers, it's wierd. But i like it. :)

    Oh, you're being too kind! I mean, it's great to hear something like that (I'm virtually blushing now), especially from someone like you. Your blog is definitley one of the coolest blog I have ever seen. Seriously. :)
    xx

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  17. I don´t feel much better,but I think that everything is going to be all right.
    (:

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  18. It makes me happy that you feel like talking on your blog :)
    I have a hard time opening up to people to. Your the "happy one". I'm "the funny one", so I guess I can relate. I don't feel like talking sometimes because I feel like an egoist when I do....
    Honestly you aren't making a fuss for nothing, it is not normal that your dad mixes you and your sister up, maybe he is just preoccupied...
    I do sometimes if I am related to my parents, I use to cry as a little girl because for some reason I felt like I was adopted..

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  19. darling i adore you and its amazing how much I connected with this post bc i unbelievably relate to it. i've always been that person that would rather keep things inside bc i feel too selfish to burden people..but then there comes a point where it explodes. and its so hard to find people that relate. but you have to remember that there are and you arent the only one. ive been through some crazy crap in my life & i find im happier when i simply think of tomorrow as a new day. i know how easy it is to get lost in your own thoughts..although its necessary to rely on yourself to make you happy =)

    xx

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  20. wow, i know how you feel, I related to almost everything you just said right now. It gets easier, I just focus on the day I get to leave it all. Stay strong

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