erin wasson for scanlan and theodore
molecular necklace from aroha silhouettes
I was clicking through photos of old elementary school friends on Facebook (I like to check up on people; one of my hobbies is "stalking" people online, I guess you could say) and one of my old schoolmates wrote beneath a photo "RIP. I heard about what happened with _____. This just blows my mind". After significant Googling and more Facebook stalking, I found out the full name of this boy who, I assumed, had died tragically. Let's call him 'X'. I felt intrigued. I felt surprised. I felt ashamed.
I felt nothing.
Then I felt sad.
X and I only had one year of school together. He and his group of friends made my year at school a living hell. It was the worst year of my life. I was laughed at, insulted, ignored... Every little petty thing that kids could do... these kids did. I had few friends at that school. And among the few friends I had, one hated me, another hated me because the other girl hated me. 6th grade was unbearable.
Thinking back to it now, I wonder how I survived. In 6th grade, I was not depressed or over-thinking anything. I ignored every spiteful comment, every girl who laughed at me because of the way I dressed or talked, or didn't listen to the same music everybody else listened to, I was smarter than half the kids in my class combined, and I never tried hard to fit in. I still smiled and laughed everyday, I'm sure, and I used to write entries in my little journal that I now find hilarious and embarrassing to read over. I was still "normal" to myself, and without even realizing it, I somehow knew that my opinion was the only opinion. I didn't need to conform to these kids, and I didn't need friends who hated me on the inside (and proclaimed it to the public, behind my back).
Now that I've told you my life story, I want to go back to talking about X. He died in March, 2010, eight months back. He apparently had a problem with discipline: he'd punish himself physically, for things he thought he did wrong or if he did something that was not up to his standards.
See, I never knew that about him.
In Grade 6, everybody seemed normal (and everybody assured themselves that they were much more normal than that weird Asian girl in their class [me]). In elementary school, there is the air of normalcy and happiness bubbling around the sides of every corner of the school, even for someone like me. I enjoyed my 15 mins of recess by myself usually, swinging on swings or playing with younger kids who didn't know me as the social pariah. I enjoyed talking on the phone after school with my friend from my old school. And that made me happy. That made me feel normal.
Now, 6 years later, X accidentally drove into a fence near his school, and when he went home, he decided to punish himself for making a fool out of himself in front of his friends, his classmates, his teachers, whatever. His time of normalcy must have expired. I don't know what he did to himself, but paramedics had to come and everything, so it must have been something terrible. And so he died.
People die everyday.
We never think it might happen to someone we know.
We never think it might happen to someone we hate.
Or someone we love.
It's completely abstract, this idea of death.
I didn't know X very well. Like I said, we were in the same sixth grade class and that was it. He obviously didn't like me: made sure to insult me, made fun of me, talked about me as if I was a disgusting creature needed to be dealt with, and I didn't care. I thought he was an okay guy when he wasn't insulting me. He was cute in this dorky way, and like every other 6th grader who had been beaten down to the lowest social class (okay, nobody else had experienced that in the school I was in, just me), I had crushes on the guys above me socially, one of them being X.
If I'd met him in high school, I'm sure things would be different.
But now he's dead.
ps. Tell me about your childhood. Worst and best parts. Or just tell me that "Death sucks" or maybe say "I'm an awesome person, no matter what other people think of me, because I love me for who I am" <3 and hear me say this: "If you're hurting... please get help. Don't let yourself get you. It never ends well".
I love you all, lovelies.
If you want to talk, I'm always here. Alone. Behind this computer screen. Waiting (:
If you're lonely, we can be lonely together and chat about things like black crows and doves and schoolwork and boys and family and true love and life and Kanye West's new song "Runaway" (my new favourite song).