11/4/10

(again)

erin wasson for scanlan and theodore
molecular necklace from aroha silhouettes

I was clicking through photos of old elementary school friends on Facebook (I like to check up on people; one of my hobbies is "stalking" people online, I guess you could say) and one of my old schoolmates wrote beneath a photo "RIP. I heard about what happened with _____. This just blows my mind". After significant Googling and more Facebook stalking, I found out the full name of this boy who, I assumed, had died tragically. Let's call him 'X'. I felt intrigued. I felt surprised. I felt ashamed.

I felt nothing.

Then I felt sad.

X and I only had one year of school together. He and his group of friends made my year at school a living hell. It was the worst year of my life. I was laughed at, insulted, ignored... Every little petty thing that kids could do... these kids did. I had few friends at that school. And among the few friends I had, one hated me, another hated me because the other girl hated me. 6th grade was unbearable.

Thinking back to it now, I wonder how I survived. In 6th grade, I was not depressed or over-thinking anything. I ignored every spiteful comment, every girl who laughed at me because of the way I dressed or talked, or didn't listen to the same music everybody else listened to, I was smarter than half the kids in my class combined, and I never tried hard to fit in. I still smiled and laughed everyday, I'm sure, and I used to write entries in my little journal that I now find hilarious and embarrassing to read over. I was still "normal" to myself, and without even realizing it, I somehow knew that my opinion was the only opinion. I didn't need to conform to these kids, and I didn't need friends who hated me on the inside (and proclaimed it to the public, behind my back).

Now that I've told you my life story, I want to go back to talking about X. He died in March, 2010, eight months back. He apparently had a problem with discipline: he'd punish himself physically, for things he thought he did wrong or if he did something that was not up to his standards.

See, I never knew that about him.

In Grade 6, everybody seemed normal (and everybody assured themselves that they were much more normal than that weird Asian girl in their class [me]). In elementary school, there is the air of normalcy and happiness bubbling around the sides of every corner of the school, even for someone like me. I enjoyed my 15 mins of recess by myself usually, swinging on swings or playing with younger kids who didn't know me as the social pariah. I enjoyed talking on the phone after school with my friend from my old school. And that made me happy. That made me feel normal.

Now, 6 years later, X accidentally drove into a fence near his school, and when he went home, he decided to punish himself for making a fool out of himself in front of his friends, his classmates, his teachers, whatever. His time of normalcy must have expired. I don't know what he did to himself, but paramedics had to come and everything, so it must have been something terrible. And so he died.

Death sucks.

People die everyday.

We never think it might happen to someone we know.

We never think it might happen to someone we hate.

Or someone we love.

It's completely abstract, this idea of death.

I didn't know X very well. Like I said, we were in the same sixth grade class and that was it. He obviously didn't like me: made sure to insult me, made fun of me, talked about me as if I was a disgusting creature needed to be dealt with, and I didn't care. I thought he was an okay guy when he wasn't insulting me. He was cute in this dorky way, and like every other 6th grader who had been beaten down to the lowest social class (okay, nobody else had experienced that in the school I was in, just me), I had crushes on the guys above me socially, one of them being X.

If I'd met him in high school, I'm sure things would be different.

But now he's dead.


xxx
Mimi.

ps. Tell me about your childhood. Worst and best parts. Or just tell me that "Death sucks" or maybe say "I'm an awesome person, no matter what other people think of me, because I love me for who I am" <3 and hear me say this: "If you're hurting... please get help. Don't let yourself get you. It never ends well".

I love you all, lovelies.

If you want to talk, I'm always here. Alone. Behind this computer screen. Waiting (:
If you're lonely, we can be lonely together and chat about things like black crows and doves and schoolwork and boys and family and true love and life and Kanye West's new song "Runaway" (my new favourite song).





9 comments:

  1. My childhood was dotten with racism, exclusion and bullying as well and immense joy. All the bad stuff gave me the strength to carry on when the good stuff went away for a while.

    Bright Green Laces

    ReplyDelete
  2. That is really so sad.. I always think it's such a tragedy when lives are lost at such a young age, whether it be by their own choice or external factors. I guess it triggers us to reflect on our own lives, like you have done. It's quite confronting to see that that person could be just like you or me. But despite similarities in for example age or background, people can react so differently to the things that are thrown at us every single day. Whether it be how we handle the stress of exams, or how we deal with peer-pressure at school (do I try and fit in or will I trust that someone will appreciate me for who I am ?).

    Thanks for sharing this, it was very interesting to read. It must have been strange to write about it. Ya know, death. It's something that we know is inevitable but often just don't think about. Or if we do, we poke fun of the issue to lighten the scariness of it all.

    I'm thinking of doing a post talking about my childhood and how I grew up. Sometimes I just like to look back on things !

    :-) I like the new layout ! It's colourful & that makes me happy !

    ReplyDelete
  3. ps. HAHAHA so glad you liked the necklace to repost it ! I think for a design like that, 70 is not too high a price. Can you really put a price on originality ? ;-P (some would argue yes .. but I have a "quirky" -- it's a bit of an obnoxious term but it's the only way I can put it with my limited vocabulary -- necklace fetish !)

    ReplyDelete
  4. aw. im sorry to hear about all of that, girl. you are a strong, beautiful, talented, smart and amazing person and i hope you know that!

    it's always so weird to find out things like that....


    my middle school years/some highschool were filled with racism. it doesn't help when you live in the southern united states either. i'm jewish and spanish and there was this one guy in my school that hated that about me for some reason. he called me terrible names and drew swastikas all over my locker. when my dad found out i thought he was going to kill the guy and the school principal because NO ONE CARED. anyway, he left me alone after that.

    as far as best parts....im just thankful that my parents traveled everywhere with me and really encouraged my artistic endeavors. going to the Prado in Madrid as a child and teenager was better than going to disney world.

    p.s.

    i love you and YOU ARE AMAZING.

    ReplyDelete
  5. wow. that must have been a shock to you. the fact that life can be so crazy. and moments so strange. when you're living in the moment. in the moment, i never realize how little or how much it will concern me later on. and i know that sometimes, things like this can be taken hard on yourself, but dont fret over something like this. you are amaazzing "just the way you are" (song).

    wow. thanks for this post. its a good reminder of how little we often know of someone.

    anyways. when i was a child, i was invincible. seriously. i was so arrogant so self-loving it is almost impossible. or at least thats what i remember from my ...childhood.
    aha.

    love, r.

    PS. I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAACK. and here to stay.

    ReplyDelete
  6. it's so inspiring that you didn't care about what other ppl thought!

    ReplyDelete
  7. You know,People evolve from their past experience.I've been reading you blog,and I really like your knowledge of fashion.Not everybody has the most amazing childhood(*ask me*).
    And it dosen't feel great,when a person you know dies,even if you didn't like him/her.

    http://m-e-h-e-r-s-b.blogspot.com/
    http://pensez.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your blog is AWSOME! There is something on your blog, I can't dffine it right now, but it's something about freedom I think. Yea I now it can seem a little bit strange --"

    Whatever. I will follow you♥

    ReplyDelete

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