raw confessions + silly diary entries

My dad called home twice since this post, which really surprised me. He asked to talk to me specifically and said stuff like "There's a lot of pictures on your Facebook" and "Sorry we can't message each other too often; it's hard to go on Facebook here" and "you look really happy in those pictures".

It was hard to make conversation but easy to just say "yes" "no" and "I know, it's okay".

My Mandarin sucks anyway.

Sometimes to cheer myself up, I read my personal diary entries from elementary. Then I sneak into my sister's room to read hers from when she was in Kindergarten to Grade Two. It's safe to say we are both born of, and still bear, the same consciousness. It's like she's Past Me and I'm... Future Her, except with a few tweaks in personality. She's on the shy side when you first meet her and I'm more outgoing. Then the roles switch after the first impression. It's strange really. But we're both annoying as hell and skilled in sarcasm.

The box is from Winners! Yay for cheap home decor rejects!

What's my treasure? These beloved diaries from Grade Two and onwards.

~

Above is an entry from when life was simple and the days were distinct.

Also from when I couldn't draw for shit.

Grade 4 - 6. Contains spelling mistakes, childish dreams, terrible song lyrics (I used to be in countless "bands" with Nancy hahah), bad sketches, Chinese math equations and proverbs that my mom made me copy every Saturday morning, Neopets guild to-do lists, website passwords, and the occasional detective notes. I used to wanna be Mary-Kate and Ashley with a basset hound by my side.

Did I mention I used to be boycrazy and extremely determined?

Oh look, my drawing has gotten a bit better.

This diary served me for four months during Grade 8. I abandoned it for better prospects.

Did I mention I went through an emo stage? This diary was the epitome of my persona in Grade 9; also this photo is very pirate-esque... Like if a pirate wanted a place to express his sorrows, he'd rant in this diary and then keep it hidden in this treasure box... ANYWAY, it had a lock so no one could peek into it (I had this unfortunate incident when a guy friend came over for Christmas dinner and read through my diary from Grade 6... Very embarrassing, okay). Anyway, I couldn't find the key so I broke the lock open with several mechanical pencils. Which are all broken now as well.

My drawing skills kinda peaked and went downhill from there.

Lastly, my diary from junior and senior year, a.k.a. my current diary. Sadly my blog has kinda replaced any form of emotional output (I apologize to those of you who read my rants) so I don't write in it as often.

I stole this from Pizza Hut, the place where I worked for three years as a Customer Service Representative. I also used their label machine and made this CANCER SUCKS label to match the breast cancer ribbon.

It's "For Your Eyes Only" because my friend and I wanted to exchange diaries during New Year's or something, but we never got around to that. So really it's just For My Eyes Only.

And now... yours. Just a few pages, okay?

A lot of the pages in CANCER are unreadable... Some are just filled with single words written on every line. I wrote what I felt and sometimes what I feel is incomprehensible.

The good thing about a blog is that I'm constantly editing as I type... This way, I come off as well-balanced, fathomable, and ungrudging. If you read some of the diary entries from what I refer to as My Dark Ages, you'd think me suicidal or insane, or extremely self-centred.

But the good news is that my lows are coupled with my highs. Some days I feel on top of the world: witty, sly, well-spoken, funny, well-dressed, and then happiness follows me naturally. And so far, since graduating high school, I haven't felt any of my Lowest Lows, which must mean I'm either a) growing up, b) getting better, or c) accepting the path the Fates have thrown me on.

Cheers! Hope you had a good chuckle or a snicker at least. I'll even settle for a subtle smirk.

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